FAQS

Every couple is different, and there is no right or wrong way to come into mediation.  Here are mediation stories that show a range of experiences with mediation.

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Abigail and Barb—single mediation session regarding parenting

 

Abigail and Barb got together nine years ago, and separated three years ago.  Their children are now ages seven and five.  Abigail and Barb managed the separation on their own, and have established a comfortable parenting routine.  As their children enter their school years, they find there are topics they had not prepared for.  Their child care providers have changed, and their oldest is having a hard time keeping track of his gear as he transitions from house to house in the school week.  Abigail and Barb know they dislike conflict, and it has become harder to make decisions as their lives have evolved in different directions. They arrived at mediation with a few topics, and found that they had time to clarify how they bring up topics to each other, and how they involve their partners in parenting decisions.  They decided to write their own parenting plan, and return to mediation as needed.  Since they mediated, they have a renewed confidence that they will be able to manage parenting their children together.

 

Chad and Dolores—six mediation sessions regarding parenting, finances and separation

 

Chad and Dolores were ecstatic when they married 14 years ago.  Their children are now ten and eight. 

 

They never fell into a pleasant or satisfying rhythm after the kids were born.  Dolores had been successful in her career before children, and has endured years of feeling invisible since.  She recognizes that her career cannot return to the same trajectory, and that had been okay when she and Chad were a team.  Chad has devoted himself to his work.  He had assumed that giving up time with the kids would be an okay exchange for providing for the family, and now worries that he does not know them as well as he should. 

 

Dolores has been mostly in charge of shopping for the family, and Chad has been mostly in charge of earning for the family.  They have always fought about money: Chad has never understood that Food Costs Money, and Dolores has never understood how Hard it is to Make a Living. 

 

Last weekend, Dolores and Chad had a huge fight in front of the children that ended with both of them yelling for a divorce.  They have reluctantly concluded that the marriage is ending.  The only thing worse than divorce would be staying together, and the only thing worse than parenting alone would be continuing to parent together.  They agree that their fights in front of the children are toxic, and have to stop.

 

Dolores has started to look at full-time jobs, and her skills are more out-of-date than she had thought.  She is very worried about how she will continue to manage the kids’ activities and appointments while beginning to work full-time.  She was already exhausted, and she can only see more effort ahead. 

 

Chad had been putting aside as much as possible into a 401K, which had looked like it would be enough when he and Dolores were retiring together.  He’s now feeling threatened that she will demand his current income, plus (some? all? half?) the retirement he has been assiduously saving.  The thought that Dolores could demand a divorce, then ruin his retirement, makes Chad irate.  Sure, she can leave, he thinks, but she should finance it herself. 

 

Chad was on the point of taking Dolores’ name off their joint credit cards, when he talked to a co-worker, Barb, who suggested mediation.  Barb had recently been to mediation, and she and her ex had found it helpful.  Chad has terrible memories of being in the middle of his parents’ divorce, and he would much prefer to sit down with Dolores and work something out.  Dolores used to be reasonable, maybe it would work?

 

Dolores needs Chad to move out of the house yesterday, and she also needs to have temporary parenting and financial arrangements in place before he moves out.  She knows a few other mothers at the kids’ school who have gone through a divorce in the last few years.  She talked to one at pickup yesterday, who suggested mediation.  Dolores had seen Christine and her ex at a few school functions, and had been surprised that they were pleasant with each other.  She would like to be able to be around Chad at future events.  She had assumed that she and Chad would have to fight in court, but maybe there is another way?

 

Neither Chad nor Dolores slept well the night before the first mediation session.  They had spoken briefly with their mediator, and had a vague idea of what to expect.  They ended up using the mediation time to introduce the mediator to their situation, and plan the kids’ birthday parties for the following weekend.  The mediator gave them several financial worksheets to fill out in preparation for a discussion of when and how they would get another apartment to begin the much-needed separation.

 

In the following mediation session, Chad and Dolores decided to rent a small apartment nearby, and take turns living there.  This was meant to keep the kids’ routines stable as Dolores and Chad thought through their financial separation.  Having less contact with Chad gave Dolores space to imagine that she could come up with a good-enough plan for her financial future.  Chad found that working was harder to manage while caring for the children, and also doable with support. 

 

They were surprised by how similar their mediation goals were.  They each wanted financial autonomy, to stay in the area, for the kids to continue at their current school, and for the kids to feel safe and loved.  As they tried out various ideas for how to manage the separation, and creating longer-term parenting and financial arrangements, they felt both relief that the divorce wouldn’t go on forever, and tremendous grief at all they were losing. 

 

The mediator helped them work through the financial side of the divorce, and they gave themselves some time to practice managing their individual finances before they became final.  They also had a safe place to plan the shift from parenting together to parenting apart.  Dolores found a short-term training program, and was able to cover school pick-ups for Chad as he gradually adjusted his work schedule to synch with his parenting schedule.

 

They cooperated in unexpected ways.  Chad felt excluded at school because he was one of the few dads active in their kids’ care.  Dolores introduced Chad to some of the mothers, and it became easier for Chad to arrange play dates for the kids.  Dolores entered a field that Chad was familiar with, and he helped her set up a few informational interviews.

 

The cooperation was bittersweet.  They still wonder if they could have stayed married if they had gotten help before it was too late, and this makes their new relationships more precious.  The kids had a relatively smooth experience, because Dolores and Chad worked hard to keep their divorce issues their own.

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