No two separations are alike. In this mediation process, you share your experience, I share mine, and together we create a settlement that fits your family. Below is more information about typical progressions in mediation; at the end are common adjustments for various circumstances. Often, clients have not filed with court before the start of mediation.
We use mediation to methodically develop the settlement. A fundamental requirement of mediation is that clients are able to make and keep agreements. I have little client contact between meetings, and rely on clients being able to maintain stability as we plan for change. I prepare for our meetings in the form of notes. The notes help us keep track of our work, and they make our meetings more efficient.
GETTING STARTED
Meet-and-greet
We will often begin with a thirty-minute introductory meeting to discuss what to expect in mediation, and see if we might be a good fit.
Initial information gathering—usually complete in the first mediation session (1 ½ hours)
This time is for you to provide a broad overview of your circumstances, including:
Your goals
Your work history, especially any expected changes in the next two years
Significant events in your family life
How the children are doing (if you have children)
Your asset-debt information, and your pay information
The status of your housing
Any ideas you have for what comes next
I provide referrals to attorneys in the notes after the first mediation session; I also have referrals for child specialists, coaches, and financial neutrals. All the professionals I refer to are colleagues I trust to serve as resources to support you in reaching informed agreements.
Most of the time, we wait to file a petition with the court until the financial settlement is underway; sometimes, we wait until the settlement is signed.
CREATING PARENTING ARRANGEMENTS
Parenting arrangements are usually defined, informally speaking, by the end of the fourth mediation session (1 hour spread over the second, third, and fourth meetings)
We work to create functional arrangements that work for your family now, knowing that, as children mature and family schedules change over time, the arrangements will need to adjust. Our aim is to reach agreement for now, in a way that provides a blueprint for reaching agreement in the future.
There are two overarching patterns of parenting post-separation. At one end of the spectrum, parents maintain a consistent and clear boundary between homes. Parents have a very clear process for requesting adjustments, and it is used infrequently. Children transition comfortably between homes, confident that they are not asked to relay messages or report events in the other household. Both parents work to maintain consistency in transitions and scheduling, minimizing the need for coordinating in real time. At the other end of the spectrum, parents communicate frequently about their children, and mark family occasions together. Children may have frequent transitions, such as one parent doing the school pick-up, and dropping children off to the other parents’ home. Families may have dinner together on transition day. The parents are comfortable collaborating, and have a great deal of trust in each other. Conflict between parents is rare; when it happens, the parents reach resolution quickly and fully. Wherever parents fall along this spectrum, mediation is a place where parents can work together to create arrangements that support their children’s development. We work to define the boundaries between homes, minimize the children’s exposure to prolonged or high conflict, and support the parental alliance. We look for ease in the children’s transitions between households, and in other, new tasks as parents separate. Parents vary widely in how much they look to mediation to develop parenting agreements, and the one-hour time estimate above is an average that includes a high degree of variation from family to family.
FINANCIAL EDUCATION
Often this is the second mediation session (2 hours)
I will create two spreadsheets, one for assets and debts, and one for cash flow, summarizing the financial information you provided. We will work from those spreadsheets as I give you a tour of how we look at finances in separation. While we will use your financial information to develop relevant examples, we are not creating or predicting your settlement. Because housing is a common choice point, we will often develop examples of division built around different housing configurations. We will usually see a few questions and themes emerge, and we will also notice where more information is needed.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
Typically two mediation sessions (3-4 mediation hours over two sessions)
The ideas you had at the start, together with the spreadsheets we reviewed, give us a foundation to review the options available in your separation. The questions and themes from the end of the information-sharing phase come to the forefront. While two sessions is ordinary, we will stay in this phase as long as needed, and you may choose to consult with child consultants, real estate agents, mortgage brokers, attorneys, financial neutrals or other relevant professionals so that you reach an efficient, thoughtful and robust settlement.
COMPLETION
Typically one mediation session (1 or 2 hours)
We now have enough information for me to draft the settlement agreement, parenting plan and order of child support. You will review the drafts with your attorney, we will review them again together, and you will sign once the drafts are complete. I am available to assist with finalizing drafts, although I cannot appear in court in your behalf. While I do not implement your settlement personally, I am available to confirm what steps are needed for implementation.
COMMON VARIATIONS
There are many ways to adjust mediation for a variety of families. Here are several examples:
A couple begins mediation when they are already deep into creating their settlement; in this case, we might do the information gathering and information sharing in a single meeting. Very occasionally, we will move to drafting after the first meeting.
A couple has unusual assets, or needs modeling of future scenarios. In that case, I will work alongside a financial neutral. The financial neutral will prepare financial reports that go into more detail than my usual spreadsheets, and we will work from those as we discuss your family’s finances.
For some clients, it is important to confer with their attorneys frequently. In that instance, everyone will sign a collaborative mediation agreement. This agreement confirms that the attorneys are a resource in reaching settlement, and that neither attorney will litigate the case in court. The attorneys attend mediation, and I coordinate with them as we work to provide the clients with an efficient and seamless process.
Parents with significant concerns about their children post-separation will often work with a child specialist. Consulting with a professional , who has deep knowledge of child development and family separation, helps parents feel confident that their parenting arrangements meet their commitment to their children.
When the parent concerns involve a parent’s use of alcohol, a high degree of support is common. An alcohol evaluation can provide information needed by both spouses. It is typical to include attorneys in mediation sessions, as well as a coach experienced in addiction.
Parents of infants routinely work with a child specialist. Infants require frequent contact with both parents, and this requirement comes at a time when parents are working to separate. Another complexity is that parents are planning for a long period of parenting in separate households, and it takes some effort to define suitable arrangements.
This list could go on indefinitely; each family is unique. Click here to schedule a meet-and-greet to get started.